Jokes.

[MarkD]

A man and his wife are having sex. They are going at it hot a heavy when suddenly they hear a noise. It's their little son Timmy standing in the doorway. Timmy is shocked and runs out of the room. The wife says, ' Oh my God. What we'll we do?" The husband says, " Don't worry. I'll go talk to Timmy." He gets dressed and goes down to Timmy's room. He opens the door and finds Timmy giving it hot a heavy to grandma. The mans says, " Oh my god!" Timmy turns and says, "Not so funny when it's your mother is it?"

[_Omaticaya_]

Your mom's so fat her *** and her tits are in different time zones.

[Emil]

http://www.avatar-forums.com/images/imported/2012/02/191.jpg

[_Omaticaya_]

^LOLz

[MarkD]

Who is that dude?

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

last Christmas,i got no respect. in my stocking,i got a pack of Odor-Eaters. :nlol:

[Emil]

Who is that dude?


Glenn Beck..
aka the dude who accused Avtar of being satanic or something.

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

my little 6 y/o cousin watches way too much tv. i asked her what sound a duck makes,and she said,"AFLAC!" :)

[_Omaticaya_]

Why does Superman always have really tight clothes on???













(Because he wears an S)


...

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

the secretary walked into her boss's office and announced: " i'm afraid i have some bad news for you."

"Kelly, said her boss,why do you always bring me bad news? try to be more positive."

"okay,she said. "The good news is you're not sterile."

[prowler]

Lol'd

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

a young couple were driving down the road in a busy area when things started to get a little *ahem* passionate.:embarrassed: so they pulled over to the side of the road,and within a matter of seconds,they were all over each other,completely oblivious to everything around them. suddenly a policeman tapped on the window...
"Don't you know it's against the law to have sex on a public highway?" he asked. Embarrassed at being caught,the couple apologized.
"Okay,said the policeman,"but i'm still going to have to write you a ticket." So he wrote them the ticket and warned them not to do it again.
After getting dressed,the girl asked her boyfriend what the policeman had written the ticket for. The boy replied,"doing 69 in a 30 mph speed zone."

[prowler]

^
lol


Wanna hear a joke?
















Quaritch.



Badum tiss...

[Sanjwale]

That one was so... horrible... that it was funny :rotfl:

[prowler]

That one was so... horrible... that it was funny :rotfl:

That was the idea :)

[Porthos1]

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

^ lol :nlol:

a nun went to her first confession and told the priest, 'Father,i never wear any underwear under my habit.'

'that's not so serious,' said the priest. 'say five Hail Marys,five Our Fathers,and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.'









whoopsie :embarrassed:

[prowler]

^
lol'd

[Sanjwale]

That was the idea :)

Just wanted to make sure it worked :p

[prowler]

Just wanted to make sure it worked :p

:):):)

[Porthos1]

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

a guy and his new date were undressing in the bedroom. first,she spotted a NIKE tattoo on his shoulder. then,as he took off more clothes,she spotted a REEBOK tattoo on his ankle. 'this guy's got a tennis shoe fetish,' she thought.

then,when he removed his last item of clothing,she recoiled in horror. for there on his ****,was the tattoo AIDS. "no way am i going near that!!' she shrieked.

'Relax,' he said. 'in a minute,it will say ADIDAS.'

[prowler]

Oh wow.. Lolz

[Porthos1]

LOL. It’s particularly funny for me because my tattoo down there normally shows as “Super” but once excited, it shows Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

did you hear the FBI has re-opened the Jeffrey Dahmer case,even though he is deceased? they think he might have been selling arms to Iraq.

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

when his wife went missing,her husband searched everywhere for her. as well as reporting her disappearance to the police,he contacted all her friends and family in a bid to trace her whereabouts. Then two days after she had vanished,he returned home to find her standing in the bathroom. he threw his arms around and cried: 'honey,where have you been? i've beeb worried sick!'
'These four masked men kidnapped me,' she said, 'tied me up,and had wild sex with me for a week.'
'but it's only been two days,' said the husband, 'what do you mean,a week?'
She answered: 'i'm only here to collect my toothbrush.'

[Porthos1]

Since Ja’k has already gone there: There are these three women. A redhead, a brunette and a blonde. They start to talk about their daughters. The red head says "You know, I caught my daughter with cigars. I did not know she smoked!" Then the brunette says "I know! I found booze in my daughters room. I didn’t know mine drank!" then the blonde says "OMG, I like totally know where ur coming from. OMG, I found like these these ummm condoms!? in my daughters room...like OMG I didn’t know she had *whispers* a penisssss"

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

^ lol :nlol:

a young woman went to confession. 'bless me,father,for i have sinned,' she said. 'last night my boyfriend made love to me seven times.'

the priest said, 'you must go home and say seven Hail Marys,and drink the juice of seven lemons.'

'and that will absolve me?' asked the young woman.

'no,' replied the priest. 'but it will take that smug look off your face.'

[prowler]

some good jokes in here :)

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

an elegant young woman wearing an expensive and long fur coat,was accosted by an animal rights activist who yelled, 'and what poor creature had to die so that you have that fur coat?!'

the woman replied simply, 'my mother-in-law.'

[Porthos1]

For Ja'k:What's the difference between a troll and a basket of dung?

The basket.

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

^ lolz.................trolls. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


three deaf old men were walking along the street on a March day.

one said: 'windy,ain't it?'

'no,' said the second, 'it's Thursday.'

the third man said: 'so am i. let's get a beer.'

[tm20]

confucious say, man who stands infront of car gets tired, while man who stands behind car gets exhausted

[Replica]

What do you call a fish with no eye's?

Fssssshhhhh

[tm20]

a guy walks into a bar.....and says ouch

what is Neytiri's favourite band?....Hellyeah (it's a real band XD)

[Replica]

what is Neytiri's favourite band?....Hellyeah (it's a real band XD)

Hahahaha clever. They were great at Soundwave! Didn't see her though :P

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

what's the difference between a camel and a medical student?

a camel can go five days without drinking.




:nlol:

[Porthos1]

How do you know when your cat has been using your computer?

When your mouse has teeth marks on it!

[Sanjwale]

Did anybody saw the clown last night who is hiding for ugly people?












no?










I tought so :p

[Porthos1]

^Hey wait, as a matter of fact, I did see a clown last night. I don't think any of the rest of these guys saw him though!

Boooom!

[Sanjwale]

^Hey wait, as a matter of fact, I did see a clown last night. I don't think any of the rest of these guys saw him though!

Boooom!

http://www.avatar-forums.com/images/imported/2012/03/7.jpg

[_Omaticaya_]

a guy walks into a bar.....and says ouch

Hahahaha love these ones :nparty:

[prowler]

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

[_Omaticaya_]

^lol!

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

^ lol. :)


what did the kamikaze pilot instructor say to his trainees?

watch closely,i'm only going to do this once.

[_Omaticaya_]

^roftl! :)

[prowler]

lol good one :)

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

a man was elected police chief in a nudist colony. he liked the job,but putting on the badge was murder! :)

[Porthos1]

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room...
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

why do men like women in leather?...because they smell like new cars. :nlol:

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

a guy went up to a girl in a bar and said, 'you want to play Magic?'

'what's that? she asked.

'we go back to my place,have sex,and then you disappear.'

[Sanjwale]

I'm sure I get 3 kick in the balls when I ask that, haha :p but awesome :)

[tm20]

a blonde was driving her VW beetle and it broke down so she pulled over to the side of the road to see what the problem was. she went to the front and opened up the hood and said "oh! the reason why it's not running is because there's no engine!" so she waited for assistance when another blonde also driving a VW beetle decided to help. she asked "what's the problem?" to which the first blonde replied "my car won't run because there's no engine in the front" to which she replied "don't worry i have a spare engine in the back" :)

[prowler]

^
lolz

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

^ lol....spare engine. :)



a New York cop pulled a guy over for driving erratically. 'Sir,i can't help noticing your eyes are bloodshot. have you been drinking?'

the guy answered indignantly, 'Officer,i can't help noticing your eyes are glazed. have you been eating doughnuts?!'

[Sanjwale]

A man from the netherlands is riding in in germany when he stops for a car that doesn't want to start. after the man took a look he is saying to the german in his bad german "die hitler is kaput" where the german man is saying "uhh?" and the netherlander is repeating what he said "your hitler is kaput" and he shows the german what he means when the german says "ahh die vergasser" netherlander "that is what I said, your hitler is kaput"


This was really bad translation from me -_- (sorry if I offended anyone, not meant to ;))

[Porthos1]

There's a man trying to cross the street. But when he steps off the curb, a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming right at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and stops next to the man. The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel. He says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks."

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

why can't blondes make ice cubes?.....they forgot the recipe. :)

[Porthos1]

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man. (Yeah, I went there! ;-) )

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

^ oopsie:embarrassed:


why did the blonde steal a police car?....she saw 911 on the side and thought it was a Porsche. :nlol:

[Porthos1]

Oh Yeah? And did you hear about the blonde who tripped over her cordless phone?

[_Omaticaya_]

Oh Yeah? And did you hear about the blonde who tripped over her cordless phone?

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Porthos1]

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.

[_Omaticaya_]

^Hahahahahaha these blonde ones are gud lol :ntongue: Though as silly as these jokes make them sound like, these blondes are the same ones that steal your heart and soul everytime!!! :ntongue: :ntongue: <3

[Porthos1]

^I hear you brother...one has mine right now. But it doesn't stop me!

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were
watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead
replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde
gave the redhead the $50.

The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend".

The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".

So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock
news, so I can't take your money".

"Well, so did I", said the blonde, "but I never thought he'd jump again!"

[Theorist]

So I have a friend who I've known for a long time. He told me he had a big dilemma he needed to talk through with me. So, I met up with him and he said "Look, tomorrow at the 4th of July festival there's going to be free pulled pork. But I can't for the life of me decide what to do?"

Maybe you'll get it, maybe you won't.

[_Omaticaya_]

^I hear you brother...one has mine right now. But it doesn't stop me!

Glad for you dear Tsmukan si Eylan :an-smile: :an-wink:

-

Good joke too lol

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

why can't blondes dial 911?....they can't find the 11 on the phone. :nlol:

[Wameyn]

why can't blondes dial 911?....they can't find the 11 on the phone. :nlol:

hahahahaha!

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

a guy went to a psychiatrist. 'Doc,you gotta help me. my wife is unfaithful to me. every Wednesday and Friday night,she goes to Larry's Bar and picks up men. she sleeps with anyone who asks her. i'm going crazy...what should i do?!'

'Relax,' said the psychiatrist. 'take a deep breath and calm down. now,tell me,where exactly is Larry's Bar?'

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

what's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?....the location of the dirtbag. :laugh:

[Porthos1]

A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
And the nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h"
The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."
Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf.
"Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"
"Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."

[MarkD]

Ghost prank Japanese Ghost Scare Prank - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FhQ_QPn2GY&feature=related)

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

two bowling teams - one all blondes,the other all brunettes - hired a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Denver. the brunette team rode on the bottom deck of the bus,while the blonde team traveled on the top level. the brunette team were having a great time,laughing and joking,until one of them realized it was totally silent upstairs where the blondes were sitting. so she decided to go upstairs and investigate. there,she found all the blondes frozen in fear,staring straight ahead at the road,and gripping the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
"what the heck's going on up here?" asked the brunette. "we're having a grand time downstairs!"
one of the blondes looked up and said, "yeah,but you've got a driver!"

[prowler]

^
lulz :)

[Porthos1]

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence.

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?


they hang around after the man leaves,and talk to the woman.

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

38681 :nlol:

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

well,i guess i'll post a joke from my dreaded post of all 6's. :/ yikes!


how do you get a sweet little 80 y/o lady to say the F-word? :embarrassed:


get another sweet little 80 y/o lady to yell, 'BINGO!' :nlol:

[Porthos1]

There once was a powerful old Japanese Shogun who needed a new master samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The old Shogun asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumble bee dropped dead at the Shogun's feet, neatly chopped in half. The Shogun exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" The old Shogun then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead at the Shogun's feet, neatly chopped into four small pieces. The old Shogun exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the old Shogun turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The Shogun, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

^ good one,Porthos. :good:


what do you call a fly buzzing around a blonde's head?....a space invader. :nlol:

[prowler]

Havent been here in a while... Good stuff :):)

[Porthos1]

What do you call going on a date with a brunette?

Brown bagging it.

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

signs that a redneck has been using your pc:

the monitor is up on blocks.

outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

the keyboard is camouflaged-spray painted.

the password is Bubba.

the six front keys have rotted out.

the extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.

the numeric keypad only goes up to 3.

there's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

there's a Coors can on the CD-ROM drawer.

the mouse is referred to as a 'critter'.



:nlol:

[prowler]

Lulz..

[Porthos1]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"

[prowler]

^
lol'd :rotfl:

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

Signs that you might be Canadian:

you design your halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

you know that four seasons mean: almost winter,winter,still winter,and road work.

you own 5 pairs of hockey skates and only 1 pair of shoes.

you say 'no big deal' to a sidewalk cyclist who's just knocked you down.

you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel robe.

you dismiss all beers under 6% as 'for children and the elderly'.

you get exited when a US tv show mentions Canada.

you have ten favorite recipes for moose meat.

you think driving is better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

you say 'sure it 33 degrees below,but it's a dry cold.'

[Porthos1]

A Joke for my Yank buddy Ximphron:

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean City man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Rice shouted.
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rte 90 Bridge."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 huge blue crabs and 6 good-sized blue crabs on her."
Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow".

[Ximphron]

A Joke for my Yank buddy Ximphron:

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean City man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Rice shouted.
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rte 90 Bridge."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 huge blue crabs and 6 good-sized blue crabs on her."
Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow".

LOL







I'm gonna be called a Yank forever now...

[prowler]

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

sign at a nudist camp: Sorry - Clothed for Winter.

[Porthos1]

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Norm!
Norm who?
Norm’ally I have my key!

[tm20]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"**** me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

^ lolz :nlol:

Bruce was driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge when he spotted his girlfriend Sheila,about to throw herself off the bridge. Bruce slammed on the brakes and yelled: "Sheila,what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turned around with a tear in her eye and said: "G'day,Bruce. ya got me pregnant so now i'm gonna kill myself!"
Bruce got a lump in his throat when he heard this. "S'truth,Sheila, he said. 'not only are you a great shag,but you're a real sport too."
Then he drove off.

[Porthos1]

Scoring points with the ladies, are we? LOL

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[Porthos1]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Sanjwale]

Law, I love that kind of jokes :)

[tm20]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

that was so funny i LMPOSVMCFOAISMT :rotfl:

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

a German,a Scotsman,and an Irishman were enjoying their pints of beer at the pub,when suddenly three flies buzzed in and landed in each of their drinks.

the German was disgusted and pushed his pint away.

the Scotsman pulled the insect out of his pint and continued drinking.

the Irishman was furious. he pulled the fly out by it's wings,held it over his pint and yelled..."spit it out,ya bastard! spit it out!!"

[_Omaticaya_]

This ain't really a joke, probably not even funny... Just wanted to say that I found the coolest Shirt lol... It was like all serious tipical black F.B.I. shirt, then you read the back and it says "Female Body Inspection" haha I love ittt :nlol:

[Porthos1]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, she pushes on her ear and screams, she pushes her elbow, and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams, and then she pushes on her thigh, and more screaming. She pushes her ankle, more screams, and anywhere she touches, she screams.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[_Omaticaya_]

^OMG LoL! I swear it took me a good two minutes to get it lol... To be honest, I thought it was something more... Hum dirty lol... Now I know what it means lol...

[Sanjwale]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, she pushes on her ear and screams, she pushes her elbow, and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams, and then she pushes on her thigh, and more screaming. She pushes her ankle, more screams, and anywhere she touches, she screams.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

A blonde is with a doctor and says: "doctor, everytime when I drink coffee my eye hurts"

when the doctor says: "show me"

the blonde is getting a cup of coffee and is starting to drink it.

almost right after that the doctor says: "madam, when you drink your coffee next time, please take your spoon out of it"

[Porthos1]

Q: Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

[Jason 438]

So many blonde jokes not that i care im not blonde but my sister is :/

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

ah,the blonde jokes........good times. lol :)

what do you call a blonde at university? a visitor. :nlol:

[Porthos1]

Three Texans, Slim, Billy-Bob and Bubba died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter, who explained that although it was late and God had retired for the evening, he had asked Albert Einstein to show them around so they wouldn't get bored before they met God in the morning.

After Einstein had introduced himself to Slim, he asked, "By the way, Slim, what was your IQ when you were alive?"

"159", said Slim.

"Great!,” said Einstein. We'll discuss my general theory of relativity and maybe a little unified field theory as I show you around."

"What an exciting opportunity!", said Slim.

Einstein then introduced himself to Billy-Bob, and when he was done he said, "Tell me, Billy-Bob - what was your IQ when you were alive?"

"141", said Billy-Bob.

"Good," said Einstein. "If you'd like, we can discuss a little mathematics and philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights."

"Nothing I'd like better!" was Billy-Bob's reply.

After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked, "What was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?"

"58" said Bubba.

Punching him on the arm, Einstein said, "Hey, Bubba - How 'bout them Cowboys!"

[Sanjwale]

Einstein rock! :rotfl:

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

^ lolz at the I.Q. joke...you gotta have a MINIMUM of a 90 I.Q. to be a Steelers fan.39425

[_Omaticaya_]

Well, the Biggest joke is probably when all these Blondes that people like to make fun of, still make you fall desperately in Love with them, and then when they turn you down making your life feel pointless, you're there regretting making up jokes about them :)

[Porthos1]

Why are so many blonde jokes one liners?

So brunettes can remember them.

[Sanjwale]

Why are so many blonde jokes one liners?

So the blonde also can understand them.


Haha sorry ;)

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

what's dark and bloody and lying in a ditch?


a brunette telling too many blonde jokes. :cower:

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

39481

[Porthos1]

A pirate walks into a bar and it appears that he has a steering wheel to a ship in front of his trousers. In fact, it looks like his penis is stuck through the center of it. The bartender says, "Hey pirate! You've got your penis stuck in a steering wheel!" The pirate replied, "Arrrr, I know! It drives me nuts!"

[_Omaticaya_]

Why did God want a Woman to discover that Jesus Christ had Risen?


































































He wanted to make sure the news would spread Fast.

[_Omaticaya_]

A pirate walks into a bar and it appears that he has a steering wheel to a ship in front of his trousers. In fact, it looks like his penis is stuck through the center of it. The bartender says, "Hey pirate! You've got your penis stuck in a steering wheel!" The pirate replied, "Arrrr, I know! It drives me nuts!"

Hahahahaha

[Sanjwale]

^Both awasome, I lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllolled :D

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

did you hear about the guy who told jokes about religions?


he was put on the Sects Offenders List. :nlol:

[Porthos1]

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

lawyer's motto....a man is innocent until proven broke. :nlol:

[Porthos1]

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

[MarkD]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

^ oh my god....i'm still lol'ing :embarrassed: poor old guy.

[MarkD]

Doorbell prank AFV Fake doorbell - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TT3mRw8XVdQ)

[Porthos1]

A lady noticed an old happy man sitting on his porch. “Excuse me” she said “I just couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. Tell me, what is the secret to your long happy life.”
“Well, the man responded, “I eat fatty foods, never exercise. I also smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and drink about a case of whiskey a week”
“Wow” the women said “and how old are you?”
"Twenty eight," he said!

[Porthos1]

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class.
He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall.
Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform.
The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent.
The class fell silent...waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken he looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent the Marines."

Ooorah!

[Sanjwale]

^HELL F*CKING YEAH!

That one was awesome :d

[Porthos1]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[prowler]

^
lulz :rotfl:

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

^ blonde jokes rule!!! :good:


visiting a blonde's house,her friend asked: 'why do you have that huge picture of yourself above the sink in the bathroom?'


the blonde replied: 'my bathroom mirror broke,and i didn't want to buy a new one.'


:nlol:

[Porthos1]

Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

why did the blonde roast a chicken for three and a half days?


the instructions said 'cook it for half an hour per pound',and she weighed 125.


:nlol:


what did the blonde say to the physicist?


'why,i love nuclear fission! what do you use for bait?'

[Porthos1]

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Scroll Down. --->


































<----- Scroll Up.

[Jason 438]

lol:rotfl: very funny and creative!

[Porthos1]

Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb, or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.

[prowler]

^
lol




Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[_Omaticaya_]

^Good One :nlol:

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

^ oh boy....i would never buy or give a woman,a weight scale,for any reason or occasion. NEVER,i tell you! *talk about trouble,lol*

[Porthos1]

Yep, just asking for it. Probably will never find his body! LOL

[Porthos1]

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all went to an antique store and saw a beautiful old mirror.

The lady working at the store said, "This is a magic mirror. You must say something true. And if it's true, your wish will come true. If it's not true, you will disappear."

The blonde, red head and brunette decided to buy the mirror, and brought it home with them.

First the red head walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world." Poof, she vanished.

Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world." Poof, she disappeared.

Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think ... " Then Poof, she disappeared.

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all went to an antique store and saw a beautiful old mirror.

The lady working at the store said, "This is a magic mirror. You must say something true. And if it's true, your wish will come true. If it's not true, you will disappear."

The blonde, red head and brunette decided to buy the mirror, and brought it home with them.

First the red head walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world." Poof, she vanished.

Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world." Poof, she disappeared.

Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think ... " Then Poof, she disappeared.



41329 :nlol:








aw man....l love red heads.:love_heart:

41328

[Porthos1]

^Oh! you did not just use the Joker on me! I hope you know, this means war!

What’s the difference between a terrorist and a redhead?
… you can negotiate with a terrorist.

Redheads are just blondes with high blood pressure.

What's a redhead's idea of the shortest way to a man's heart?
Through the breastbone.

How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.

How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
Say something!!!

How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds.

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Doughboy?
An ANGRY redhead with a yeast infection!

[Porthos1]

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks her keys in the car.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?
A: Because they can understand them.

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes? A: Because they can understand them.


41855

[Austin Navi]

I told a joke in class, everyone stared at me as I laughed like mad.

(Yes, that is a joke, of me.)

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

43206

:)

[_Omaticaya_]

^Win.

[Porthos1]

^ I'll second that! LOL

[prowler]

I'll 3rd it :)

[_Omaticaya_]

Here's a good Joke:

My Life.

Did You laugh? *TrollFace*

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

Here's a good Joke:

My Life.

Did You laugh? *TrollFace*








i'm "laughing" ironically, because my life is a joke too, and you're not even here to "laugh" with me.:nsad:

44461

[Porthos1]

Things will work out Ja'k, you'll see.

A blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.

"How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.

The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"

[nosuferatu]

If you were me I would tell you, it is what it is, make things workout yourself. You are in control of whether you want to be happy or sad regardless of the situation. Of course it isn't that simple but its something to remember and strive for ;>

Oh and, hahahahahah! I actually thought that joke was funny ;D Both the Life one and the river one ^^ Especially the river one LOL owned! ;D I imagine she must have gotten pretty annoyed by that answer ^^

[prowler]

Friend1: Hey, you know any good movies?
Friend2: Snakes on a plane.
Friend1: whats it about?
Friend2: oh you know... Cows... On a field...

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

a man walks into a library and asks the Librarian for a book on suicide. she gives him the side-eye, and says "kindly f**k off. you know you're not bringing it back."












* um, dark humor. derp :rolleyes: *

[prowler]

Lawl.. That was evil yet funny...

[nosuferatu]

a man walks into a library and asks the Librarian for a book on suicide. she gives him the side-eye, and says "kindly f**k off. you know you're not bringing it back."
* um, dark humor. derp :rolleyes: *

Hahah that was funny ;D Nothing wrong with a little dark humour ^^

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

a man went into an art gallery, walking the halls looking at some fine examples of modern art. one of the attending artists noticed the man looking quizzically at a piece on the artist's display wall, and frowning. the artist asked the man, "what do you think?" the man replied, "i think it's rather horrible looking."

"i'm sorry, sir, but you are looking at a mirror", the artist responded.

[Porthos1]

Sadly, this happens to me every morning! Not! :)

How To Clean A Cat

1) Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2) Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3) Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4) In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body
too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for any surface they can find.

5) Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6) Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7) Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8) The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
the Dog

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

Sadly, this happens to me every morning! Not! :)

How To Clean A Cat

1) Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2) Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3) Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4) In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body
too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for any surface they can find.

5) Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6) Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7) Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8) The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
the Dog



that is so not funny. sincerely, all Cats.

44688

[Porthos1]

^Ha ha, the ad that was just below your post was "Big Johns Toilet Seat": "Bigger seats for the larger person toilet seats and support apparatus." Too funny!

Think of it this way: there will be less fur balls for you to hack up! Ha ha. Love, the dog

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

...she is not pleased with these dog jokes. meow!:moody:

44691

[nosuferatu]

Hahahah this is just too funny ;D But you probably need to know what its all about to get it.

[Porthos1]

^you got that right, wtf?

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about fifteen minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another batch he asks her: ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?’ ‘We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth,’ she replies. ‘We just love the chocolate around them.’

[nosuferatu]

‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?’ ‘We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth,’ she replies. ‘We just love the chocolate around them.’

oh oh oh my god! LOL. that is just nasty haha. I would get freaked out if I was that driver. WHAAT?

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

^you got that right, wtf?

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about fifteen minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another batch he asks her: ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?’ ‘We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth,’ she replies. ‘We just love the chocolate around them.’



44721

:rolleyes:

[nosuferatu]

^hahah yeah thats how i'd feel ;D that was a funny expression ^^

[Porthos1]

An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

[Porthos1]

How big of a broom do you need to sweep a Tiger?

A Giant one!

Seen on a bumper sticker in San Francisco: “Don’t bail out Detroit, sweep it!”

:victorious:

[Porthos1]

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a San Francisco 49'er fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are 49'er fans too. Not really knowing what a 49'er fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a 49'er fan," she retorts.

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Oakland Raider fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is a Raider fan.


"Well, my Dad and Mom are Raider fans, so I'm a Raider fan too," she responds.

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?”

"Oh," says the little girl. "Well, then I'd be a 49'er fan!"

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

i thought i would leave you with a nice Christmas joke, in the spirit of the season. Merry Christmas!:an-smile:


a little kid sat on Santa's lap, and Santa asked: "what would you like for Christmas?"

"a f***ing swingset for the backyard," said the kid.

Santa told him: "you'll have to ask more politely than that if you want Santa to bring you some presents. now let's try again. what else would you like?"

the kid said: "a f***ing sandbox for the side yard."

Santa warned him: "that's no way to talk to Santa. one more time. what else would you like for Christmas?"

the boy thought for a moment, and then said: "i want a f***ing trampoline in the front yard."

Santa lifted the boy off his lap, and went to talk to the kid's parents. he told them about the child's swearing, and said: "i know how to put a stop to it. don't get him anything for Christmas except dog poo. put a pile of dog poo in the back yard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. that should make him change his attitude."

come Christmas morning, the kid went downstairs to open his presents, but there weren't any. he ran out the back door, looked around, came back in. then he ran out the side door, looked around, and came back in. finally, he ran out the front door, looked around, and came back in, shaking his head and looking annoyed.

his father said: "what's wrong, son?"

the kid said: "Santa bought me a f***ing dog, but i can't find it."


:nlol:

[Porthos1]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over pulling the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

[Druless]

A bartender has had a pretty slow day so he decides to have fun with the town drunk. He approaches the man at the end of the bar and asks "Hey, you want a free beer?"
The drunk was like "Sure, what do you want?"
The bartender grins and tells him, "Just three things. First, I want you go up to the bouncer at the front door and knock him out."
"Sure, no problem."
"Secondly, I want you to go into the backroom where my dog, Sparda, is at and pull his loose tooth."
"Okay."
"Finally, I want you to go have sex with the town skank."
The drunk nods and walks up to the bouncer. He surprises the man and knocks him out clean with one punch. The bartender was shocked, but went ahead and pointed to the door of the back room where his large rottweiler is. The drunk stumbles back there. The bartender waits for several minutes, waiting to hear the man scream in pain or the dog to walk out with the man in its mouth. Eventually, he does hear screams, but it's his dog. The drunk walks out of the room with a satisfied look on his face.
"Alright, now where's the skank that needs a tooth pulled?"

[Druless]

A mom walks up to her son. "Son, a little birdie told me that you have been doing drugs."
The son laughs, "It seems to me the only person who has been doing drugs is you, since you apparently talk to birds."

[prowler]

Lol :nlol:

[Druless]

Guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early kill people. xD

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

Guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early kill people. xD









this is true, and this is why if you ever have an affair with a married woman, never go to her house, always keep the affair on the road and away from her homelife.:couple_inlove:

[Druless]

Sounds like you're speaking from experience, Ja'k.

[Porthos1]

That and he was performing a public service for the rest of us here on AF! Thanks Ja’k.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

what do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?


frostbite.


:rolleyes:

[Porthos1]

A blind guy walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind guy. 'Just looking.'

[Sennah]

What if...cancer causes cellphones?

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

What if...cancer causes cellphones?






is that just in Soviet Russia, or everywhere? :p

[Porthos1]

What is black and brown and looks good on a Baltimore Ravens fan?


A Doberman

[Porthos1]

Two IT students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second IT student replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want.", so I took the bike.

The first IT student nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit."

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

What is black and brown and looks good on a Baltimore Ravens fan?


A Doberman






that joke is really making this die-hard Steelers fan laugh a lot.:an-smile:

[ValkTAV29]

A mother and daughter are walking along the beach. The daughter turns to her mom and asks, "Mom why do they have douche?" The mother looks at her daughter a bit before saying, "I don't know. Asks the pelicans following you."

[Porthos1]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Porthos1]

that joke is really making this die-hard Steelers fan laugh a lot.:an-smile:

What is the difference between Pittsburgh and Baltimore?



4 Limbardi Trophies!

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

it's true that gray hair makes you look distinguished. it distinguishes you from the younger-looking people. :p

it's great to have gray hair. ask anyone who's bald.

a gentleman was talking to this cute young woman, and she says she has this thing for older men. he gets all excited asks "what's that?" shes says, "pepper spray." :rolleyes:

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

i give away all my dead batteries. free of charge, of course.

[prowler]

Lol..

[Porthos1]

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

[Arrowman]

It is behind the tree and splinters are flying around,what is it?



Pinocchio is shaving his legs

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

two lawyers had a rough day in court, and are having a few drinks at happy hour, before they go home.

one lawyer says, "i can't wait to get home. as soon as i walk in the door, i am going to tear off my wife's underwear!"

"believe me, i know that feeling," says the other lawyer.

"no, i'm serious," says the first lawyer, "they're killing me."


:embarrassed:

[Porthos1]

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

a blonde policewoman on a motorcyle pulled over a blonde female motorist for speeding.

the policewoman walked up to the car, and asked for the woman's driver's license. the blonde fumbled around in her purse for a bit, but could not seem to find her license.

"i don't have my driver's license with me," she said to the officer.

"well, do you have any form of identification at all?" asked the policewoman.

the driver reached into her purse, pulled out a hand mirror, looked at her reflection in it, and handed it the officer.

the policewoman looked in the mirror, a bit surprised, straightened up and handed the mirror back to the motorist.

"if i had know you were a police officer, i would've never pulled you over. have a nice day." she said, going back to her motorcycle.



:embarrassed:

[Porthos1]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.



http://i1220.photobucket.com/albums/dd457/azureangel336/hg_otter_zps8670c82e.gif

did your 'expecto patronum' not work out, or something? :p

[Porthos1]

^Nah, but I did learn a few pickup lines from Harry Potter!

Did you survive Avada Kedavra? 'Cause you're drop dead gorgeous.

Hagrid's not the only giant on campus, if you know what I mean.

Did you just use the stupify charm or are you a natural stunner?

We may not be in professor flitwick's class, but you sure are charming!

…and last but not least:

My wand? 12 inches, unyielding.....

[Porthos1]

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

http://www.avatar-forums.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=48050&d=1365715747

[Porthos1]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much for a beer?" The bartender says, "For you? No charge."

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"?! obviously i was thinking i could get away with it and not have to explain or rationalize my actions.:rolleyes:

[Ja'k Dawsiin]

i heard a joke today....

American rap-singer 50 Cent(s) should change his name to 33 Cent(s)...why? inflation, duh. the almighty dollar ain't what it used to be. lolz :rolleyes:

[Porthos1]

It’s Friday and Happy Hour:

A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don't serve minors......”

Two guys are sitting at a bar. One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?". The other guy says, "Damn, I just joined the Rotary Club."

A nonrenewable natural resource walks into a bar and orders a tall glass of whiskey. The bartender says "Sorry friend, I can’t serve YOU; you have been getting wasted all day long!"

[Porthos1]

Then there was the blonde who was so stupid that all the other blondes noticed...

[prowler]

A man walks into a bar, ouch.




:p

[Porthos1]

My doctor showed me that my blood type was Type A+, but it a Type O.

[Arrowman]

What do you must to do when you meet a bear?

Nothing - Bear will do everything for you...